2011 sucks

i don't even want to blog about it.

a sermon, a story, a transition

so i started this blog a while back, kept it private, forgot about it. then realized i preached a sermon with the same title. Seems to be a theme in my life, or at least for a few years now. so you would think i would have moved on to something new... well... not really.

in don miller's million miles in a thousand years book i find some interesting truths- characters in stories don't move unless they're forced. they find comfort in the familiar even the unpleasant familiar. it's only when circumstances arise that force us to change- that we actually leave the familiar and venture into the unknown.

we're in transition here at Williamsburg CC . Steve Sandefur has resigned as lead minister and will be leaving come june (we didn't get along too well). i don't know what kind of change this will bring for our church or for myself, but this is one of those circumstances, events, moments- that just might force me to change- like maybe even start blogging. nod to shawn.

changing

so i'm home. things are quiet. the girls are watching high school musical 1, 2, or 3. Grayson's falling asleep to dora. I'm reading Jamie Tworkowski's blogs. Inspiring me to change, to write, to act, to live. Then Grayson walks to me and crawls in my lap, and i inhale. it's how he tells you that he needs a new diaper, he lets you smell it. so, from these huge thoughts of beauty, and hope, and life, and change...

i'm changing...a diaper.

of course i'm humbled as i wipe. i'm reminded of Jesus.

i think i know what's happening here

so i am fearing burnout, fearing the feeling that i don't want to do this anymore. Because if i don't want to do this anymore, what am i going to do? And if i don't want to do this anymore it's harmful to keep doing it- i'm not helping anyone, doing more harm than good. there has been discouragement, disappointment, decline in #s and passion, i've been in need, my needs not met, there has been joy squashed into sorrow and hope pushed to pain, dreads shaved to stubble. i'm becoming less sure. I feel like i don't know how to do my job- which is the opposite of what should come with experience.

but i've seen this before. i've been broken before. i think i know what's happening here.

i need a sunrise

i often think about the past, the good ol' days... i've been living as if the best is behind me. but i need a sunrise. as i look back i remember good times- moments, friends, laughing, late nights, the beach, sing alongs- i remember bad times- funerals, failures, endings, separations, distance. i remember sunrises- those days i drove in the dark, racing the sun to the beach- saltwater in my hair, sand on my feet- the beginning of today- squinting at right now, starting a day connected with the tide, the cycle, the earth's rotation to look toward the sun once again- i remember. It's been a while since i saw the sun rise.

i realize i can't hold on to time- and that i shouldn't try. olivia started kindergarten, eden turned 4 tuesday, grayson is rocking out to damion's music. it hurts to let time go on, but it does. so i must live right now- be there for every moment of growth, every step toward tomorrow- i am here today. yesterday is gone, tomorrow's not here yet. today is not going to be like the good ol' days- today the sunrises, and letting go of all i've held on to, i'm going to embrace it- right now, right here- a sunrise.

5 sermons, 6 ferry boat rides, 1 baptism and 110 degrees

Camp Rudolph jr hi 3 the 'brawl to end it all' iKnow. I had the privlage, neah the pleasure, of spending the week in the presence of greatness- fellow uth ministers, musicians, JBC traveling team, JC's, and of course the campers. I did 5 talks, prepared the day of- and things went well- i think.

campfires get me, that place where all things settle and all other cares fade- all that matters is studying the flames, following the embers, admiring the beauty of fire lit faces, inhaling the night with a peace that's only found here. Then there's the drives, alone, iPod on shuffle or silence, down country roads. And the ferry boat rides that make me feel connected, make me smile- and that girl with autism who made me smile- and i think she knows that's her purpose in life and she's got it. If only we could all be as sure as her- our purpose is to make others smile.

the greatest city in the world beckons, this fear tells me it's real, and the timing makes no since.
my mind wonders the downtowns that i know well, while i should be focused on the needs here an now, the kids with futures i know will be revolutionary- the ones i hope to work with someday.

forgive. be peacemakers. let love grow. appreciate the little things. it starts with you.

ups and downs

an amazing week of getting away and dealing with this stuff in my head. Learning and thinking and watching it all come together (or fall apart) for some people that i love. Life is an ocean and these waves come with cycles of high tide and lo tide, with crashing waves and fun rides, sunrises and sunsets, drowning and rescuing.

another struggle, trial, fight- is it me? of course and her too. and then of course there's other influences involved in all of this. 3 kids that are kids, that run and play and have more enrgy than we do. Not enough time, or sleep, or joy or luaghter- too much stress and pain, and cussing and crying.

yesterday was a wet hair sunday (the best kind) soaked in the love of God, dripping of potential and excitement. Staring the future in the face with smiles and bright shining eyes- pain is released adn life is full, healing, restoration, hope, love- remembering my salvation would be helpful here, but there's no time for that... but here's to you Olivia and Logan, don't let them tell you you're wrong, it's your's through inheritance, take this world and love it til it's a better place.

i'll be ok. i'll learn from these mistakes. someday i'll figure out that those moments of clarity and peace are the way it's always supposed to be. New Orleans, Ensenada, Mexico...