something new

2011 sucks

2011-11-09T07:18:00.001-08:00

i don't even want to blog about it.

a sermon, a story, a transition

2010-04-16T13:38:00.000-07:00

so i started this blog a while back, kept it private, forgot about it. then realized i preached a sermon with the same title. Seems to be a theme in my life, or at least for a few years now. so you would think i would have moved on to something new... well... not really.

in don miller's million miles in a thousand years book i find some interesting truths- characters in stories don't move unless they're forced. they find comfort in the familiar even the unpleasant familiar. it's only when circumstances arise that force us to change- that we actually leave the familiar and venture into the unknown.

we're in transition here at Williamsburg CC . Steve Sandefur has resigned as lead minister and will be leaving come june (we didn't get along too well). i don't know what kind of change this will bring for our church or for myself, but this is one of those circumstances, events, moments- that just might force me to change- like maybe even start blogging. nod to shawn.

changing

2009-03-10T17:17:00.000-07:00

so i'm home. things are quiet. the girls are watching high school musical 1, 2, or 3. Grayson's falling asleep to dora. I'm reading Jamie Tworkowski's blogs. Inspiring me to change, to write, to act, to live. Then Grayson walks to me and crawls in my lap, and i inhale. it's how he tells you that he needs a new diaper, he lets you smell it. so, from these huge thoughts of beauty, and hope, and life, and change...

i'm changing...a diaper.

of course i'm humbled as i wipe. i'm reminded of Jesus.

i think i know what's happening here

2008-04-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

so i am fearing burnout, fearing the feeling that i don't want to do this anymore. Because if i don't want to do this anymore, what am i going to do? And if i don't want to do this anymore it's harmful to keep doing it- i'm not helping anyone, doing more harm than good. there has been discouragement, disappointment, decline in #s and passion, i've been in need, my needs not met, there has been joy squashed into sorrow and hope pushed to pain, dreads shaved to stubble. i'm becoming less sure. I feel like i don't know how to do my job- which is the opposite of what should come with experience.

but i've seen this before. i've been broken before. i think i know what's happening here.

i need a sunrise

2007-09-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

i often think about the past, the good ol' days... i've been living as if the best is behind me. but i need a sunrise. as i look back i remember good times- moments, friends, laughing, late nights, the beach, sing alongs- i remember bad times- funerals, failures, endings, separations, distance. i remember sunrises- those days i drove in the dark, racing the sun to the beach- saltwater in my hair, sand on my feet- the beginning of today- squinting at right now, starting a day connected with the tide, the cycle, the earth's rotation to look toward the sun once again- i remember. It's been a while since i saw the sun rise.

i realize i can't hold on to time- and that i shouldn't try. olivia started kindergarten, eden turned 4 tuesday, grayson is rocking out to damion's music. it hurts to let time go on, but it does. so i must live right now- be there for every moment of growth, every step toward tomorrow- i am here today. yesterday is gone, tomorrow's not here yet. today is not going to be like the good ol' days- today the sunrises, and letting go of all i've held on to, i'm going to embrace it- right now, right here- a sunrise.

5 sermons, 6 ferry boat rides, 1 baptism and 110 degrees

2007-08-15T15:55:00.002-07:00

Camp Rudolph jr hi 3 the 'brawl to end it all' iKnow. I had the privlage, neah the pleasure, of spending the week in the presence of greatness- fellow uth ministers, musicians, JBC traveling team, JC's, and of course the campers. I did 5 talks, prepared the day of- and things went well- i think.

campfires get me, that place where all things settle and all other cares fade- all that matters is studying the flames, following the embers, admiring the beauty of fire lit faces, inhaling the night with a peace that's only found here. Then there's the drives, alone, iPod on shuffle or silence, down country roads. And the ferry boat rides that make me feel connected, make me smile- and that girl with autism who made me smile- and i think she knows that's her purpose in life and she's got it. If only we could all be as sure as her- our purpose is to make others smile.

the greatest city in the world beckons, this fear tells me it's real, and the timing makes no since.
my mind wonders the downtowns that i know well, while i should be focused on the needs here an now, the kids with futures i know will be revolutionary- the ones i hope to work with someday.

forgive. be peacemakers. let love grow. appreciate the little things. it starts with you.

ups and downs

2007-07-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

an amazing week of getting away and dealing with this stuff in my head. Learning and thinking and watching it all come together (or fall apart) for some people that i love. Life is an ocean and these waves come with cycles of high tide and lo tide, with crashing waves and fun rides, sunrises and sunsets, drowning and rescuing.

another struggle, trial, fight- is it me? of course and her too. and then of course there's other influences involved in all of this. 3 kids that are kids, that run and play and have more enrgy than we do. Not enough time, or sleep, or joy or luaghter- too much stress and pain, and cussing and crying.

yesterday was a wet hair sunday (the best kind) soaked in the love of God, dripping of potential and excitement. Staring the future in the face with smiles and bright shining eyes- pain is released adn life is full, healing, restoration, hope, love- remembering my salvation would be helpful here, but there's no time for that... but here's to you Olivia and Logan, don't let them tell you you're wrong, it's your's through inheritance, take this world and love it til it's a better place.

i'll be ok. i'll learn from these mistakes. someday i'll figure out that those moments of clarity and peace are the way it's always supposed to be. New Orleans, Ensenada, Mexico...

the most complicated

2007-07-06T13:08:00.000-07:00

my eyes burn right now like when you've been crying a lot. I haven't been, just almost or on the verge most of today.

i need to write about [RE]NOLA, but that will have to wait for now while the more pressing matter of poo flying off these fan blades spews from my heart/head/eyes...

I've noticed lately that this is always complicated there are no short cuts or easy steps to doing life, or church, or work, or family. It's always complicated and alway hard- and if i were to read a book or follow someone else's guide to success- it would be easier- it would always feel fake- i don't want to fake life (at least not anymore).

'I've got to get out of the suburbs' and things might change - New York or New Orleans or Orlando or... pick a city, give your 2 weeks notice today pack my things move away

things get hard then harder, then she's on th phone complain' when today doesn't go her way- printers jam, and computers go slow- and it's all so meaningless when when my heart is still in the city. Wondering those streets hoping my eyes notice someone i can spend my day helping, my energy loving, a need where i can use my hands building- but here i sit in pain.

july 4th, 60 degree salt water, sunburns, bombs bursting in air, 4 in a double bed, dread wax, surf wax, bungee straps and long boards, mini vans,whining, screaming, yengling traditional lager, new life, boat on the roof

and today sucks- the yelling and cussing, and plans changing, just too hard, and so it goes. Threats and words meant to cause pain, loud voices and sadness, the confessions to 3 year olds and rides in the truck to get away. we both know the truth, we both know what it's going to take, but until one of us breaks it's just going to suck.

and my throat hurts like when you've been crying all day, I haven't been, just almost or on the verge most of today.

Goats, Sinners, and Forgiveness...

2007-06-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

I listened to Ed Dobson's message from Mars Hill Bible Church Grand Rapids, MI 6/17/2007

I love it when things i thought i knew become something totally different altogether. And as these things become different, it's a little scary you know- if it's different than i thought was truth, is it true, was it true? But i find that scary feeling of things- doctirnes, realities, relationships- changing is the change that i need, that if i didn't have this change at this time, i would leave, give up on something that used to work for me, but just isn't anymore. These scary changes are the only place that my faith is real anymore.

Sin- has 3 different hebrew words, forgive- has 3 different hebrew words and 3 hebrew words for my response to being 'forgiven.' There was this Yom Kippur tradition, the sacrifice for sins of a whole community offered to recieve forgiveness and atonement. They'd kill a goat- it's blood a covering for sin. They'd have a live goat too- and a priest would confess the sins of the whole community while placing his hands on the goat's head. Symbolizing the sins being placed on the goat- they would then send the goat off into the wilderness. This goat would be led out of the town- to this cliff where the guy leading it would push it off the cliff to it's death.

PS32:1-2 Blessed is he whose trangressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord does not count against him...
forgive- has 3 different hebrew words (all 3 here)
'forgiven' literally to carry away (same word as Gen. 50:13)

'covered' (same word Gen. 38:15 a chapter that would be censored if the fCC read it)

'not count against' (Lev 5:27) God doesn't calculate or determine how he can count our sin agains us

carried away, covered, not held against us

And so these 2 goats, again and again every year. and the priest and the temple with no chairs, because his job was never done, he could not sit. Hebrews 10:11

until Jesus carries away, covers up, and makes it so it cannot be counted against us. He goes and... sits down... at the right hand of God. Hebrews 9:23-28, 10:11-12

And all this trash here in my heart and mind- carried away, covered, 'I'll never count that against you."

3 words of response
Ps 32:11 (last verse)
Rejoice: celebrate with wild unrestrained passion
Be Glad: shout (THANK YOU)
Sing: 'Sing with inexpressible Joy / Fall on your face'

'God through Jesus Christ has carried away, covered up your trash and says 'I'll never count that against you."

sin, forgiveness, response- i seem to have forgotten.

it's been a while...

2007-06-20T12:16:00.001-07:00

it's not about what i know anymore- it's more exciting this way. a new direction. learning something NEW instead of these same theologies drilled into my head. I haven't had much creative outlet in a while- i need an art class, i need to write, i need to enjoy some peace- friendship, love, hope.

it's 3:20 wednesday June 20th- office at church- stuff to do.

i'm leaving for [RE]New Orleans saturday. one thing this job allows is for me to mobilize groups to action. That's what it takes to move me to action- i've got to plan this whole big trip so that i have no choice. Because i'm lazy i'd stay doing nothing if i could. I do hope that this trip helps someone. I know i will love it. it's when i'm busy using my hands, to build, to work, when i have no other schedule, but serve others- that's when it's clear. The clarity of what it's all about, those words like meaning and purpose sound so trite, but when you are there in it- you see there's nothing more important than these people and their need. And there's Jesus in all of this, He's there in His church, there in the least of these... and i miss Him.

'I know a thousand guys just like that; that want to change the world, but nothing's changing.'

encouraged by discouragement anyone?