the most complicated

my eyes burn right now like when you've been crying a lot. I haven't been, just almost or on the verge most of today.

i need to write about [RE]NOLA, but that will have to wait for now while the more pressing matter of poo flying off these fan blades spews from my heart/head/eyes...

I've noticed lately that this is always complicated there are no short cuts or easy steps to doing life, or church, or work, or family. It's always complicated and alway hard- and if i were to read a book or follow someone else's guide to success- it would be easier- it would always feel fake- i don't want to fake life (at least not anymore).

'I've got to get out of the suburbs' and things might change - New York or New Orleans or Orlando or... pick a city, give your 2 weeks notice today pack my things move away

things get hard then harder, then she's on th phone complain' when today doesn't go her way- printers jam, and computers go slow- and it's all so meaningless when when my heart is still in the city. Wondering those streets hoping my eyes notice someone i can spend my day helping, my energy loving, a need where i can use my hands building- but here i sit in pain.

july 4th, 60 degree salt water, sunburns, bombs bursting in air, 4 in a double bed, dread wax, surf wax, bungee straps and long boards, mini vans,whining, screaming, yengling traditional lager, new life, boat on the roof

and today sucks- the yelling and cussing, and plans changing, just too hard, and so it goes. Threats and words meant to cause pain, loud voices and sadness, the confessions to 3 year olds and rides in the truck to get away. we both know the truth, we both know what it's going to take, but until one of us breaks it's just going to suck.

and my throat hurts like when you've been crying all day, I haven't been, just almost or on the verge most of today.